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A    PROPOSAL 

UNDER 
DIFFICULTIES 


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THE  LIBRARY 

^LjCHIVERSITY  of  CALIFORNIA 

WS  ANGELES 


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A     Proposal 
Under     Difficulties 


A   Farce 


By 


John  Kendrick  Bangs 


1 Ilustrated 


Harper  &  Brothers  Publishers 

New  York  and  London 

1905 


Copyright,  1896,  by  Harpbr  &  Bhothbrs. 

All  rights  reset~iied. 
Published  September,  1905. 


CAST   OF  CHARACTERS 

Robert  Yardsley,  )  suitors  for  the  hand  of 
Jack  Barlow,  )  Aliss  Andrews. 

Dorothy     Andrews,     a     much-loved    young 

woman. 
Jennie,  a  housemaid. 
Hicks,  a  coachman,  who  does  not  appear. 


2134537 


A  PROPOSAL  UNDER  DIFFICULTIES 


The  scene  is  laid  in  a  fashionable  New 
York  drawing-room.  The  time  is  late 
in  October,  and  Wednesday  afternoon. 
The  curtain  rising  shows  an  empty 
room.  A  bell  rings.  After  a  pause 
the  front -door  is  heard  opening  and 
closing.  Enter  Yarbsley  through  por- 
tiere at  rear  of  room. 

Yardsley.  Ah!  So  far  so  good;  but 
I  wish  it  were  over.  I've  had  the  nerve 
to  get  as  far  as  the  house  and  into  it,  but 
how  much  further  my  courage  will  carry 
me  I  can't  say.  Confound  it!  Why  is 
it,  I  wonder,  that  men  get  so  rattled 
when  they're  head  over  heels  in  love,  and 
want  to  ask  the  fair  object  of  their,  af- 
3 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

fections  to  wed  ?  I  can't  see.  Now -I'm- 
brave  enough  among  m^n.  I'm  not 
afraid  of  anything  that  walks,  except 
Dorothy  Andrews,  and  generally  I'm 
not  afraid  of  her.  Stopping  runaway 
teams  and  talking  back  to  impudent 
policemen  have  been  my  delight.  I've 
even  been  courageous  enough  to  submit 
a  poem  in  person  to  the  editor  of  a  comic 
weekly,  and  yet  here  this  afternoon  I'm 
all  of  a  tremble.  And  for  what  reason  ? 
Just  because  I've  co-come  to  ask  Doro- 
thy Andrews  to  change  her  name  to  Mrs. 
Bob  Yardsley,  as  if  that  were  such  an 
unlikely  thing  for  her  to  do.  Gad! 
I'm  almost  inclined  to  despise  myself. 
{Surveys  himself  in  the  mirror  at  one 
end  of  the  room.  Then  walking  up  to  it 
and  peering  intently  at  his  reflection,  he 
continues.)  Bah!  you  coward!  Afraid 
of  a  woman — a  sweet  little  woman  like 
4 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Dorothy.  You  ought  to  be  ashamed 
of  yourself,  Bob  Yardsley.  5no--WorL't^ 
^hurt  you.  Brace  up  and  propose  like  a 
man — ^like  a  real  lover  who'd  go  through 
fire  for  her  sake,  and  all  that.  Ha! 
That's  easy  enough  to  talk  about,  but 
how  shall  I  put  it?  That's  the  ques- 
tion. Let  me  see.  How  do  men  do  it  ? 
I  ought  to  buy  a  few  good  novels  and 
select  the  sort  of  proposal  I  like ;  but  not 
having  a  novel  at  hand,  I  must  invent 
my  own.  How  will  it  be?  Something 
like   this,    I   fancy.      {The  portieres   are  — 

parted^   and  Jennie,    the   maid,    enters 

Yardsley  does  not  observe  her  entrance.)  -- 
I'll  get  down  on  my  knees.  A  man  on 
his  knees  is  a  pitiable  object,  and  pity, 
they  say,  is  akin  to  love.  Maybe  she'll 
pity  me,  and  after  that — well,  perhaps 
pity's  cousin  will  arrive.  {The  maid  - 
advances,  but  Yardsley  is  so  intent  upon 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

his  proposal  that  he  still  fails  to  observe 
her.  She  stands  back  of  the  sofa,  while 
he,  gazing  downward,  kneels  before  it.) 
I'll  say:  "Divine  creature!  At  last  we 
are  alone,  and   I  —  ah  —  I  can  speak 


DIVINB    CREATURE 


freely  the  words  that  have  been  in  my 
heart  to  say  to  you  for  so  long — oh,  so 
long    a   time."  ^((Jennie    appears   sur- 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

prised.)  "I  have  never  even  hinted 
at  how  I  feel  towards  you.  I  have 
concealed  my  love,  fearing  lest  by  too 
sudden  a  betrayal  of  my  feelings  I 
should  lose  all."  {Aside.)  Now  for 
a  little  allusion  to  the  poets.  Poetry, 
they  say,  is  a  great  thing  for  proposals. 
"You  know,  dearest,  you  must  know, 
how  the  poet  has  phrased  it — 'Fain 
would  I  fall  but  that  I  fear  to  climb.' 
But  now — now  I  must  speak.  An  op- 
portunity like  this  may  not  occur 
again.  Will  you — will  you  be  my 
wife?" 

^ [Jennie  gives  a  little  scream  of  de- 
light. 
Jennie.     Oh,  Mr.  Yardsley,  this  is  so 
suddent  like   and  unexpected,  and  me 
so  far  beneath  you! 

[Yardsley  looks  up  and  is  covered 
with  confusion. 
7 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley.  Great  Scott!  What  have 
I  done? 

^^ennie.    But  of  course  it  ain't  for  the 
likes  of  me  to  say  no  to — 

Yardsley  (rising).  For  Heaven's  sake, 
Jennie — do  be  sensi —  Don't — say — 
Jennie,  why — ah —  (Aside.)  Oh,  con- 
found it!  What  the  deuce  shall  I  say? 
What's  the  matter  with  my  tongue? 
Where's  my  vocabulary?  A  word!  a 
word !  my  kingdom  for  a  word !  (A loud.) 
Now,  Jen — 

^^ennie  (coyly).     I  has  been  engaged  to 
Mr.  Hicks,  the  coach  gentleman ,  sir,  but — 

Yardsley.  Good!  good!  I  congratu- 
late you,  Jennie.  Hicks  is  a  very  fine 
fellow.  Drives  like  a— =Hike  a  driver, 
Jennie,  a  born  driver.  I've  seen  him 
many  a  time  sitting  like  a  king  on  his 
box — yes,  indeed.  Noticed  him  often. 
Admired  him.  Gad,  Jennie,  I'll  see 
8 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

him  myself  and  tell  him;  and  what  is 
more,  Jennie,  I'll — I'll  give  Hicks  a  fine 
present. 

-"Jennie.  Yes,  sir;  I  has  no  doubt  as 
how  you'll  be  doin'  the  square  thing  by 
Hicks,  for,  as  I  was  a-sayin',  I  has  been 
engaged  like  to  him,  an'  he  has  some 
rights;  but  I  think  as  how,  if  I  puts  it 
to  him  right  like,  and  tells  him  what  a 
nice  gentleman  you  are  (a  ring  is  heard 
at  the  front-door),  it  '11  be  all  right,  sir. 
But  there  goes  the  bell  and  I  must  run, 
Mr.  Yardsley.  (Ecstatically  kissing  her 
hand.)     Bob! 

Yardsley  (with  a  convulsive  gasp). 
Bob?  Jennie!  You — er — you  misun — 
(Jennie,  unth  a  smile  of  joy  and  an  ec- 
static glance  at  Yardsley,  dances  from 
the  room  to  attend  the  door.  Yardsley 
throws  himself  into  a  chair.)  Well,  I'll 
be  teetotally —  Awh!  It's  too  dead 
9 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

easy  proposing  to  somebody  you  don't 
know  you  are  proposing  to.  What  a 
kettle  of  fish  this  is,  to  be  sure!  Oh, 
pshaw!  that  woman  can't  be  serious. 
She  must  know  I  didn't  mean  it  for  her. 
But  if  she  doesn't,  good  Lord!  what 
becomes  of  me?  {Rises,  and  paces  up 
and  down  the  room  nervously.  After  a 
moment  he  pauses  before  the  glass.)  I 
ought  to  be  considerably  dishevelled 
by  this.  I  feel  as  if  I'd  been  drawn 
through  a  knot-hole  —  or  —  or  dropped 
into  a  stone-crusher — that's  it,  a  stone- 
crusher  —  a  ten  -  million  horse  -  power 
stone-crusher.  Let's  see  how  you  look, 
you  poor  idiot. ' 

[As  he  is  stroking  his  hair  and  re- 
arranging his  tie  he  talks  in  pan- 
tomime at  himself  in  the  glass. 
In  a  moment  Jennie  ushers  Mr. 
Jack  Barlow  into  the  room. 

ID 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 


Jennie.     Miss  Andrews  will  be  down 
in  a  minute,  sir. 

[Barlow  takes  arm-chair  and  sits 

gazing    ahead    of    him.     Neither 

he   nor   Yardsley    perceives    the 

other,     Jennie  tiptoes  to  one  side, 

and  J  tossing  a  kiss  at  Yardsley, 

retires. 

Barlow.     Now  for  it.     I  shall   leave 

this  house  to-day  the  happiest  or  the 

most  miserable  man  in  creation,  and  I 

rather  think  the  odds  are  in  my  favor. 

Why  shouldn't  they  be?     Egad!  I  can 

very    well    understand    how    a    woman 

could    admire    me.     I    admire    myself, 

rather.      I   confess   candidly   that   I   do 

not     consider    myself    half    bad,     and 

Dorothy  has  always  seemed  to  feel  that 

way  herself.     In  fact,  the  other  night  in 

the  Perkinses'  conservatory  she  seemed 

to  be  quite  ready  for  a  proposal.     I'd 

3  II 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

have  done  it  then  and  there  if  it  hadn't 
been  for  that  confounded  Bob  Yards- 
ley- 

Yardsley  {turning  sharply  about) .  Eh  ? 
Somebody  spoke  my  name.  A  man, 
too.  Great  Heavens!  I  hope  Jennie's 
friend  Hicks  isn't  here.  I  don't  want 
to  have  a  scene  with  Hicks.  {Dis- 
covering Barlow.)  Oh  —  ah  —  why  — 
hullo,  Barlow!     You  here? 

Barlow  {impatiently,  aside).  Hang  it! 
Yardsley 's  here  too!  The  man's  always 
turning  up  when  he's  not  wanted. 
{Aloud.)  Ah!  why,  Bob,  how  are  you? 
What  're  you  doing  here  ? 

Yardsley.  What  do  you  suppose — 
tuning  the  piano?  I'm  here  because  I 
want  to  be.     And  you? 

Barlow.  For  the  same  reason  that 
you  are. 

Yardsley   {aside).     Gad!   I  hope  not. 

12 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

(Aloud,)  Indeed  ?  The  great  mind  act 
again  ?  Run  in  the  same  channel,  and 
all  that?  Glad  to  see  you.  (Aside.) 
May  the  saints  forgive  me  that  fib! 
But  this  fellow  must  be  got  rid  of. 

Barlow  (embarrassed).  So'm  I.  Al- 
ways glad  to  see  myself — I  mean  you — 
anywhere.     Won't  you  sit  down? 

Yardsley.  Thanks.  Very  kind  of 
you,  I'm  sure.  (Aside.)  He  seems 
very  much  at  home.  Won't  I  sit 
down? — as  if  he'd  inherited  the  chairs! 
Humph!     I'll  show  him. 

Barlow.     What  say  ? 

Yardsley.  I — ah — oh,  I  was  merely 
remarking  that  I  thought  it  was  rather 
pleasant  out  to-day. 

Barlow.  Yes,  almost  too  fine  to  be 
shut  up  in -doors.  Why  aren't  you  driv- 
ing, or  —  or  playing  golf,  or  —  ah  —  or 
being  out-doors  somewhere  ?  You  need 
13 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

exercise,  old  man ,  you  look  a  little  pale. 
(Aside.)  I  must  get  him  away  from 
here  somehow.  Deuced  awkward  hav- 
ing another  fellow  about  when  you 
mean  to  propose  to  a  woman. 

Yardsley.     Oh,  I'm  well  enough! 

Barlow  {solicitously).  You  don't  look 
it — by  Jove,  you  don't.  {Suddenly  in- 
spired.) No,  you  don't.  Bob.  You  over- 
estimate your  strength.  It's  very  wrong 
to  overestimate  one's  strength.  People 
— ah — people  have  died  of  it.  Why,  I'll 
bet  you  a  hat  you  can't  start  now  and 
walk  up  to  Central  Park  and  back  in  an 
hour.  Come.  I'll  time  you.  {Rises  and 
takes  out  watch.)  It  is  now  four- ten. 
I'll  wager  you  can't  get  back  here  before 
five  -  thirty.  Eh  ?  Let  me  get  your 
hat. 

[Starts  for  door. 

Yardsley   {with  a  laugh).     Oh  no;   I 
14 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 


don't  bet  —  after  four.     But  I  say,  did 
you  see  Billie  Wilkins? 

Barlow  (returning  in  despair).     Nope. 

Yardsley  (aside) .  Now  for  a  bit  of  strat- 
egy. (Aloud.) 
He  was  look- 
ing for  you 
at  the  club. 
(Aside.)  Splen- 
did lie!  (Aloud.) 
Had  seats  for 
the  —  ah  —  the 
Metropolitan 
to-night.  Said 
he  was  look- 
ing for  you. 
Wants    you    to 

go  with  him.     (Aside.)     That  ought  to 
start  him  along. 

Barlow.     I'll  go  with  him. 

Yardsley  (eagerly).     Well,  you'd  bet- 
15 


I  LL    TIMB    YOU 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

ter  let  him  know  at  once,  then.  Better 
run  around  there  and  catch  him  while 
there's  time.  He  said  if  he  didn't  see 
you  before  half-past  four  he'd  get  Tom 
Parker  to  go.  Fine  show  to  -  night. 
Wouldn't  lose  the  opportunity  if  I  were 
you.  {Looking  at  his  watch.)  You'll  just 
about  have  time  to  do  it  now  if  you  start 
at  once. 

[Grasps  Barlow  by  arm,  and  tries 

to  force  him  out.     Barlow  holds 

back,  and  is  about  to  remonstrate, 

when  Dorothy  enters.     Both  men 

rush  to  greet  her;  Yards  ley  catches 

her  left  hand.  Barlow  her  right. 

Dorothy  (slightly  embarrassed) .     Why, 

how  do  you  do — this  is  an  unexpected 

pleasure  —  both    of   you  ?     Excuse  my 

left  hand,  Mr.  Yardsley;  I  should  have 

given  you  the  other  if — if  you'd  given 

me  time. 

i6 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley.     Don't  mention  it,  I  pray. 
The^tmexpectedness   is    wholly    mine, 
Miss  Andrews  —  I 
mean  —  ah  —  the 
pleasure  is — 

Barlow.  Whol- 
ly mine. 

Dorothy  ( with- 
draming  her  hands 
from  both  and  sit- 
ting down ) .  I 
haven 't  seen  either 

of  you    since   the  ^^ start  at  once- 

Perkinses'    dance. 

Wasn't   it    a    charming    affair? 

Yardsley.  Delightful  I  —  ah  —  I 
didn't  know  that  the  Perkinses — 

Barlow  (interrupting).  It  was  a  good 
deal  of  a  crush,  though.  As  Mrs.  Van 
Darling  said  to  me,  "You  always 
meet — " 

17 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley.  It's  a  pity  Perkins  isn't 
more  of  a  society  man,  though,  don't 
you  think  ?  \ 

Dorothy.  Oh,  I  don't  know.  I've 
always  found  him  very  pleasant.  He 
is  so  sincere.  i 

Barlow.  Isn't  he,  though  ?  He  looked 
bored  to  death  all  through  the  dance. 

Yardsley.  I  thought  so  too.  I  was 
watching  him  while  you  were  talking 
to  him,  Barlow,  and  such  a  look  of 
ennui  I  never  saw  on  a  man's  face. 

Barlow.     Humph ! 

Dorothy.  Are  you  going  to  Mrs.  Van 
Darling's  dinner? 

Barlow.  Yes;  I  received  my  bid  last 
night.     You  ? 

Dorothy.     Oh  yes! 

Yardsley  {gloomily).  I  can't  go  very 
well.     I'm — ah — engaged  for  Tuesday. 

Barlow.  Well,  I  hope  you've  let  Mrs. 
i8 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Van  Darling  know.  She's  a  stickler  for 
promptness  in  accepting  or  declining  her 
invitations.  If  you  haven't,  I'll  tell  her 
for  you.     I'm  to  see  her  to-night. 

Yardsley,  Oh  no!  Nevermind.  I'll 
—I'll  attend  to  it. 

Barlow.  Oh,  of  course.  But  it's  just 
as  well  she  should  know  in  advance. 
You  might  forget  it,  you  know.  I'll 
tell  her;  it's  no  trouVjle  to  me. 

DorotJiy,-  Of  course  not,  and  she 
can  get  some  one  to  take  your  place. 

Yardsley  {desperately).  Oh,  don't  say 
anything  about  it.  Fact  is,  she — ah — 
she  hasn't  invited  me. 

Barlow.  Ah!  {Aside.)  I  knew  that 
all  along.     Oh,  but  I'm  clever! 

Dorothy  {hastily,  to  relieve  Yardsley 's 
embarrassment).  Have  you  seen  Irving, 
Mr.  Yardsley? ^_ 

Yardsley.     Y-esr 

19 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Barlow  (suspiciously).  What  in?  I 
haven't  seen  you  at  any  of  the  first  nights. 

Yardsley  (with  a  grin).  In  the  grill- 
room at  the  Players'.      \ 

Barlow  (aside).     Bahr 

Dorothy  (laughing),  Ybu  are  so  bright, 
Mr.  Yardsley. 

Barloiv  (forcing  a  laugh).  Ha,  ha,  ha! 
Why,  yes — very  clever  that.  It  ought 
to  have  a  Gibson  picture  over  it,  that 
joke.  It  would  help  it.  Those  Gibson 
pictures  are  fine,  I  think.  Carry  any 
kind  of  joke,  eh?  /  j 

Yardsley.     Yes,  they  frequently  do. 

Dorothy.  I'm  so  glad  you  both  like 
Gibson,  for  I  just  dote  on  him.  I  have 
one  of  his  originals  in  my  portfolio. 
I'll  get  it  if  you'd  like  to  see  it. 

[She  rises  and  goes  to  the  corner  of 
the  room,  where  there  stands  a 
portfolio-case. 

20 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley  (aside).  What  a  bore  Bar- 
low is!  Hang  him!  I  must  get  rid  of 
him  somehow. 

[Barlow  meanwhile  is  assisting  Doro- 
thy. 

Yardsley  {looking  around  at  the  others) . 
Jove!  he's  off  in  the  comer  with  her. 
Can't  allow  that,  for  the  fact  is  Barlow's 
just  a  bit  dangerous — to  me. 

Dorothy  {rummaging  through  portfolio) . 
Why,  it  zvas  here — 

Barlow.  Maybe  it's  in  this  other 
portfolio. 

Yardsley  {joining  them).  Yes,  maybe 
it  is.  That's  a  good  idea.  If  it  isn't 
in  one  portfolio  maybe  it's  in  another. 
Clever  thought!  I  may  be  bright,  Miss 
Andrews,  but  you  must  have  observed 
that  Barlow  is  thoughtful. 

Dorothy  (with  a  glance  a^  B.\rlow)  .  Yes, 
Mr.  Yardsley,  I  have  noticed  the  latter. 

21 

1 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Barlow.  Tee-hee!  that's  one  on  you, 
Bob. 

Yardsley  {obtuse).  Ha,  ha!  Yes. 
Why,  of  course!  Ha,'  ha,  ha!  For 
repartee  I  have  always  said  —  polite 
repartee,  of  course — Miss  Andrews  is — 
{Aside.)  Now  what  the  dickens  did 
she  mean  by  that? 

Dorothy.  I  can't  find  it  here.  Let — 
me  think.     Where — can — it — be? 

Barlow  {striking  thoughtjiil  attitude). 
Yes,  where  can  it  be?  Let  me  do  your 
thinking  for  you.  Miss  Dorothy.  {Then 
softly  to  her.)     Always! 

Yardsley {mockinglBfh.R'LO^) .  Yes!  Let 
me  think!  {Points  his  finger  at  his  fore- 
head and  assumes  tragic  attitude.  Then 
stalks  to  the  front  of  stage  in  manner  of 
burlesque  Hamlet.)  Come,  thought, 
come.  Shed  the  glory  of  thy  greatness 
full    on  me,   and    thus    confound   mine 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

enemies.     Where  the  deuce  is  that  Gib- 
son ? 

Dorothy.  Oh,  I  remember.  It's  up- 
stairs. I  took  it  up  with  me  last  night. 
I'll  ring  for  Jennie,  and  have  her  get  it. 

Yardsley  {aside,  and  in  consternation) . 
Jennie!  Oh,  thunder!  I'd  forgotten 
her.  I  do  hope  she  remembers  not  to 
forget  herself. 

Barlow,     What  say  ? 

Yardsley.  Nothing;  only — ah — only 
that  I  thought  it  was  very — very  pleas- 
ant out. 

Barlow.  That's  what  you  said  be- 
fore. 

Yardsley  {indignantly).  Well,  what 
of  it?  It's  the  truth.  If  you  don't  be- 
lieve it,  go  outside  and  see  for  your- 
self. 

[Jennie   appears  at  the  door  in  re- 
sponse to  Dorothy's  ring.     She 
23 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

glances  demurely  at  Yardsley, 
who  tries  to  ignore  her  presence. 
Dorothy.  Jennie,  go  up  to  my  room 
and  look  on  the  table  in  the  comer,  and 
bring  me  down  the  portfolio  you  will 
find  there.  The  large  brown  one  that 
belongs  in  the  stand  over  there. 

Jennie  (dazed).     Yessum.     And  shall 

I  be  bringin'  lemons  with  it? 
Dorothy.     Lemons,  Jennie? 
^^.^Jennie.     You  always  does  have  lem- 
ons with  your  tea,  mum. 

Dorothy.  I  didn't  mention  tea.  I 
want  you  to  get  my  portfolio  from  up- 
stairs. It  is  on  the  table  in  the  comer 
of  my  room. 

[Looks  at  Jennie  in  surprise. 
— ^Jennie.     Oh,    excuse    me,    mum.     I 
didn't  hear  straight. 

[She  casts   a  languishing  glance  at 
Yardsley  and  disappears. 
24 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley  {noting  the  glance,  presum- 
ably aside).     Confound  that  Jennie! 

Barlow  {overhearing  Yardsley). 
What's  that?  Confound  that  Jennie? 
Why  say  confound  that  Jennie?  Why 
do  you  wish  Jennie  to  be  confounded? 

Yardsley  {nervously).  I  didn't  say 
that.  I — ah — I  merely  said  that — that 
Jennie  appeared  to  be — ah — confound- 
ed. 

Dorothy.  She  certainly  is  confused. 
I  cannot  understand  it  at  all.  Ordina- 
rily I  have  rather  envied  Jennie  her 
composure. 

Yardsley.  Oh,  I  suppose  —  it's  —  it's 
— it's  natural  for  a  young  girl — a  ser- 
vant— sometimes  to  lose  her — equipoise, 
as  it  were,  on  occasions.  If  we  lose  ours 
at  times,  why  not  Jennie  ?     Eh  ?     Huh  ? 

Barlow.     Certainly. 

Yardsley.  Of  course  —  ha  —  trained 
25 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

servants  are  hard  to  get  these  days, 
anyhow.  Educated  people  —  ah  —  go 
into  other  professions,  such  as  law,  and 
— ah — the  ministry — and — 

Dorothy.  Well,  never  mind.  Let's 
talk  of  something  more  interesting  than 
Jennie.  Going  to  the  Chrysanthemum 
Show,  Mr.  Barlow? 

Barlow.  I  am;  wouldn't  miss  it  for 
the  world.  Do  you  know,  really  now, 
the  chrysanthemum,  in  my  opinion,  is 
the  most  human-looking  flower  we  have. 
The  rose  is  too  beautiful,  too  perfect, 
for  me.  The  chrysanthemum,  on  the 
other  hand — 

Yardsley  (interrupting).  Looks  so 
like  a  football-player's  head  it  appeals 
to  your  sympathies?  Well,  perhaps 
you  are  right.  I  never  thought  of  it  in 
that  light  before,  but — 

Dorothy  (smiling).  Nor  I;  but  now 
26 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

that  you  mention  it,  it  does  look  that 
way,  doesn't  it? 

Barlow  {not  wishing  to  disagree  with 
Dorothy).  Very  much.  Droll  idea, 
though.  Just  like  Bob,  eh?  Very, 
very  droll.     Bob's  always  dro — 

Yardsley  (interrupting).  When  I  see 
a  man  walking  down  the  avenue 
with  a  chrysanthemum  in  his  button- 
hole, I  always  think  of  a  wild  Indian 
wearing  a  scalp  for  decorative  pur- 
poses.   ^^-^  ^.-cte^.-^- 

[Barlow  and  Dorothy  laugh  at  this, 
and  during  their  mirth  Jennie 
enters  with  the  portfolio.  She 
hands  it  to  Dorothy.  Dorothy 
rests  it  on  the  arm  of  her  chair, 
and,  Barlow  looking  over  one 
shoulder,  she  goes  through  it. 
Jennie  in  passing  out  throws 
another  kiss  /<?  Yardsley. 
27 


A  Proposal  Under  Ditficulties 

Yardsley  {under  his  breath,  stamping 
his  foot).     Awgh! 

Barlow.     What  say? 

[Dorothy  looks  up,  surprised. 

Yardsley.  I — I  didn't  say  anything. 
My — ah — my  shoe  had  a  piece  of — ah — 

Barlow.  Oh,  say  Hnt,  and  be  done 
with  it. 

Yardsley  {relieved,  and  thankful  for 
the  suggestion).  Why,  how  did  you 
know?  It  did,  you  know.  Had  a  piece 
of  Hnt  on  it,  and  I  tried  to  get  it  off  by 
stamping,  that's  all. 

Dorothy.     Ah,  here  it  is. 

Yardsley.     What?     The  lint? 

Barlow.  Ho!  Is  the  world  nothing 
but  lint  to  you?  Of  course  not — the 
Gibson.  Charming,  isn't  it.  Miss  Doro- 
thy? 

Dorothy  {holding  the  picture  up).    Fine. 
Just  look  at  that  girl.     Isn't  she  pretty  ? 
28 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Barlow.     Very. 

Dorothy.     And  such  style,  too. 

Yardsley  {Looking  over  Dorothy's  other 


"  CHARMING,   isn't    IT?" 


shoulder).  Yes,  very  pretty,  and  lots 
of  style.  (Softly.)  Very — like  some  one 
— some  one  I  know. 

Barlow  (overhearing).     I  think  so  my- 
29 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

self,  Yardsley.     It's  exactly  like  Josie 
Wilkins.     By-the-way  —  ah  —  how  is 
i    that  little  affair  coming  along,  Bob  ? 

Dorothy  (interested) .  What!   You  don't 

mean  to  say —    Why,  Aft^^'r  Yardsley! 

Yardsley   (with  a  venomous  glance  at 

--    Barlow).     Nonsense.     Nothing    in    it. 

Mere    invention    of    Barlow's.      He's    a 

regular  Edison  ir^-his- own  way. 

[Dorothy  looks  inquiringly  at  Bar- 
low. 
'  Barlow  (to  Yardsley).     Oh,  don't  be 

so  sly  about  it,  old  fellow!     Everybody 
knows. 

Yardsley.  But  I  tell  you  there's 
nothing  in  it.  I — I  have  different  ideas 
entirely,  and  you — you  know  it  —  or,  if 
you  don't,  you  will  shortly. 

Dorothy.     Oh!     Then    it's    some    one 
else,   Mr.   Yardsley?     Well,  now  I   am 
interested.     Let's    have    a    little    con- 
30 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

fidential  talk  together.  Tell  us,  Mr. 
Yardsley,  tell  Mr.  Barlow  and  me,  and 
maybe — I  can't  say  for  certain,  of  course 
— but  maybe  we  can  help  you. 

Barlow  (gleefully  rubbing  his  hands). 
Yes,  old  man;  certainly.  M^ybe.  we 
— we  can  help  you.  -^^^^^~^_^ 

Yardsley  (desperately).  You  can  help 
me,  both  of  you — but — but  I  can't  very' 
well  tell  you  how. 

Barlow.  I'm  willing  to  do  all  I  can 
for  you,  my  dear  Bob.  If  you  will  only 
tell  us  her  name  I'll  even  go  so  far  as  to 
call,  in  your  behalf,  and  propose  for 
you. 

Yardsley.  Oh,  thanks.  You  are  very 
kind. 

Dorothy.  I  think  so  too,  Mr.  Barlow. 
You  are  almost  too  kind,  it  seems  to 
me. 

Yardsley.     Oh  no;  not  too  kind-,  Miss 
31 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Andrews.  Barlow  simply  realizes  that 
one  who  has  proposed  marriage  to  young 
girls  as  frequently  as  he  has  knows  how 
the  thing  is  done,  and  he  wishes  to  give 
me  the  benefit  of  his  experience.  (Aside.) 
That's  a  facer  for  Barlow. 

Barlow.  Ha,  ha,  ha!  Another  joke, 
I  suppose.  You  see,  my  dear  Bob,  that 
I  am  duly  appreciative.  I  laugh.  Ha, 
ha,  ha!  But  I  must  say  I  laugh  with 
some  uncertainty.  I  don't  know  whether 
you  intended  that  for  a  joke  or  for  a 
staggerer.  You  -  shouM  provide  your 
conversation  with  a  series  of  printed 
instructions  for  the  listener.  Get  a  lot 
of  cards,  and  have  printed  on  one, 
"Please  laugh";  on  another,  "Please 
stagger";  on  another,  "Kindly  appear 
confused."  Then  when  you  mean  to 
be  jocose  hand  over  the  laughter  card, 
and  so  on.     Shall  I  stagger?  ^ 

/     "  J 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Dorothy.  I  think  that  Mr.  Yardsley 
meant  that  for  a  joke.  Didn't  you, 
Mr.  Yardsley? 

Yardsley.  Why,  certainly.  Of  course. 
I  don't  really  believe  Barlow  ever  had 
sand  enough  to  propose  to  any  one. 
Did  you,  Jack? 

Barlow  (indignant).  Well,  I  rather 
think  I  have. 

Dorothy.  Ho,  ho!  Then  you  are  an 
experienced  proposer,  Mr.  Barlow? 

Barlow  (confused).  Why  —  er  — 
well  —  um  —  I  didn't  exactly  mean 
that,  you  know.  I  meant  that — ah — 
if  it  ever  came  to  the — er — the  test,  I 
think  I  could — I'd  have  sand  enough, 
as  Yardsley  puts  it,  to  do  the  thing 
properly,  and  without  making  a — ah — a 
Yardsley  of  myself. 

Yardsley    (bristling   tip).     Now   what 
do  you  mean  by  that  ? 
33 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Dorothy.  I  think  you  are  both  of 
you  horrid  this  afternoon.  You  are  so 
quarrelsome.  Do  you  two  always  quar- 
rel, or  is  this  merely  a  little  afternoon's 
diversion  got  up  for  my  especial  benefit  ? 

Barlow  (with  dignity).  I  never  quar- 
rel. 

Yardsley.  Nor  I.  I  simply  differ 
sometimes,  that's  all.  I  never  had  an 
unpleasant  word  with  Jack  in  my  life. 
Did   I,   Jack? 

Barlow.  Never.  I  always  avoid  a 
fracas,  however  great  the  provocation. 

Dorothy  {desperately).  Then  let  us 
have  a  cup  of  tea  together  and  be  more 
sociable.  I  have  always  noticed  that 
tea  promotes  sociability — haven't  you, 
Mr.  Yardsley? 

Yardsley.  Always.  {Aside.)  Among 
women. 

Barlow.     What  say? 
34 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

[Dorothy  rises  and  rings  the  bell  for 
Jennie. 
Yardsley.     I  say  that  I  am  very  fond 
of  tea. 

Barlow.     So  am  I — here. 

[Rises  and  looks  at  pictures.     Yards- 

LE  Y  meanwhile  sits  in  moody  silence. 

Dorothy    {returning).      You    seem    to 

have    something    on    your    mind,    Mr. 

Yardsley.     I  never  knew  you  to  be  so 

solemn  before. 

Yardsley.  I  have  something  on  my 
mind,  Miss  Dorothy.     It's — 

Barlow  {coming  forward).  Wise  man, 
cold  weather  like  this.  It  would  be 
terrible  if  you  let  your  mind  go  out  in 
cold  weather  without  anything  on  it. 
Might  catch  cold  in  your  idea. 

Dorothy.  I  wonder  why  Jennie  doesn 't 
come?     I  shall  have  to  ring  again. 

[Pushes  electric  button  again. 
35 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley  {with  an  efjort  at  brilliance). 
The  kitchen  belle  doesn't  seem  to 
work. 

Dorothy.  Ordinarily  she  does,  but 
she  seems  to  be  upset  by  something  this 
afternoon.  I'm  afraid  she's  in  love. 
If  you  will  excuse  me  a  moment  I  will 
go  and  prepare  the  tea  myself. 

Barlow.  Do;  good!  Then  we  shall 
not  need  the  sugar. 

Yardsley.  You  might  omit  the  spoons 
too,  after  a  remark  like  that,  Miss 
Dorothy. 

Dorothy.  We'll  omit  Mr.  Barlow's 
spoon.     I'll  bring  some  for  you  and  me. 

[She  goes  out. 

Yardsley  {with  a  laugh).  That's  one 
on  you,  Barlow.  But  I  say,  old  man 
{taking  out  his  watch  and  snapping  the 
cover  to  three  or  jour  times),  it's  getting 
verv^  late — after  five  now.  If  you  want 
36 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

to  go  with  Billie  Wilkins  you'd  better 
take  up  your  hat  and  walk.  I'll  say 
good-bye  to  Miss  i\ndrews  for  you. 

Barlow.  Thanks.  Too  late  now. 
You  said  Billie  wouldn't  wait  after  four- 
thirty. 

Yardsley.  Did  I  say  four-thirty  ?  I 
meant  five-thirty.  Anyhow,  Billie  isn't 
over-prompt.     Better  go. 

Barlow.  You  seem  mighty  anxious 
to  get  rid  of  me. 

Yardsley.  I?  Not  at  all,  my  dear 
boy — not  at  all.  I'm  very,  very  fond 
of  you,  but  I  thought  you'd  prefer 
opera  to  me.  Don't  you  see?  That's 
where  my  modesty  comes  in.  You're 
so  fond  of  a  good  chat  I  thought  you'd 
want  to  go  to-night.     Wilkins  has  a  box. 

Barlow.  You  said  seats  a  little  while 
ago. 

Yardsley.  Of  course  I  did.  And  why 
37 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

not?    There  are  seats  in  boxes.     Didn't 
you  know  that? 

Barlow.  Look  here,  Yardsley,  what's 
up,  anyhow?  You've  been  deuced 
queer  to-day.    What  are  you  after? 


"what's  up.  anyhow?' 


Yardsley  {tragically).  Shall  I  confide 
in  you?  Can  I,  with  a  sense  of  confi- 
dence that  you  will  not  betray  me  ? 

38 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Barlow  {eagerly).  Yes,  Bob.  Go  on. 
What  is  it?  I'll  never  give  you  away, 
and  I  may  be  able  to  give  you  some 
good  advice. 

Yardsley.  I  am  here  to — to — to  rob 
the  house'  Business  has  been  bad,  and 
one  must  live. 

[Barlow  looks  at  him  in  disgust. 

Yardsley  (mockingly).  You  have  my 
secret,  John  Barlow.  Remember  that 
it  was  wrung  from  me  in  confidence. 
You  must  not  betray  me.  Turn  your 
back  while  I  surreptitiously  remove 
the  piano  and  the  gas-fixtures,  won't 
you? 

Barlow  (looking  at  him  thoughtfully). 
Yardsley,  I  have  done  you  an  injustice. 

Yardsley.     Indeed  ? 

Barlow.     Yes.     Some  one  claimed,  at 
the  club,  the  other  day,  that  you  were 
the  biggest  donkey  in  existence,  and  I 
39 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

denied  it.     I  was  wrong,  old  man,  I  was 
wrong,  and  I  apologize.     You  are. 

Yardsley.  You  are  too  modest.  Jack. 
You  forget — yourself. 

Barlow.  Well,  perhaps  I  do;  but  I've 
nothing  to  conceal,  and  you  have. 
You've  been  behaving  in  a  most  incom- 
prehensible fashion  this  afternoon,  as 
if  you  owned  the  house. 

Yardsley.  Well,  what  of  it?  Do  you 
own  it? 

Barlow.     No,  I  don't,  but — 

Yardsley.  But  you  hope  to.  Well,  I 
have  no  such  mercenary  motive.  I'm 
not  after  the  house. 

Barlow  (bristling  up).  After  the 
house?  Mercenary  motive ?  I  demand 
an  explanation  of  those  words.  What 
do  you  mean  ?  I     \  1 

Yardsley.     I  mean  this,  Jack  Barlow: 

I  mean  that  I  am  here  for — for,  my  own 

40 

\ 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

reasons;  but  you — you  have  come  here 
for  the  purpose  of — 

[Dorothy  enters  with  a  tray,  upon 
which  are  the  tea  things. 

Barlow  {about  to  retort  to  Yards  ley, 
perceiving  Dorothy).  Ah!  Let  me  as- 
sist you. 

Dorothy.  Thank  you  so  much.  I 
really  believe  I  never  needed  help  more. 
{She  delivers  the  tray  to  Barlow,  w;/io  sets 
it  on  the  table.  Dorothy,  exhausted, 
drops  into  a  chair.)  Fan  me — quick — 
or  I  shall  faint.  I've  —  I've  had  an 
awful  time,  and  I  really  don't  know 
what  to  do! 

Barlow  and  Yardsley  {together).  Why, 
what's  the  matter? 

Yardsley.  I  hope  the  house  isn't 
on  fire  ? 

Barlow.  Or  that  you  haven't  been 
robbed  ? 

41 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Dorothy.  No,  no;  nothing  like  that. 
It's — it's  about  Jennie. 

Yardsley  {nervously).  Jennie?  Wha 
— wha — what's  the  matter  with  Jennie  ? 

Dorothy.     I  only  wish  I  knew.     I — 

Yardsley  (aside).     I'm  glad  you  don't. 

Barlow.     What-  say  ? 

Yardsley.  I  dkln't  say  anything. 
Why  should  I  say  anything?  I  haven't 
anything  to  say.  If  people  who  had 
nothing  to  say  would  not  insist  upon 
talking,  you'd  be — 

Dorothy.  I  heard  the  poor  girl  weep- 
ing down -stairs,  and  when  I  went  to 
the  dumb-waiter  to  ask  her  what  was 
the  matter,  I  heard — I  heard  a  man's 
voice. 

Yardsley.     Man's  voice? 

Barlow.  Man's  voice  is  what  Miss 
Andrews  said. 

Dorothy.  Yes;  it  was  Hicks,  our 
42 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

coachman,  and  he  was  dreadfully  angry 
about  something. 

Yardsley  (sinking  into  chair).  Good 
Lord!  Hicks!  Angry!  At  —  some- 
thing! 

Dorothy.  He  was  threatening  to  kill 
somebody. 

Yardsley.  This  grows  worse  and 
worse!  Threatening  to  kill  somebody! 
D-did-did  you  o-over-overhear  huh-huh- 
whom  he  was  going  to  kuk-kill? 

Barlow.  What's  the  matter  with 
you,  Yardsley?  Are  you  going  to  die 
of  fright,  or  have  you  suddenly  caught 
a  chill  ? 

Dorothy.  Oh,  I  hope  not!  Don't  die 
here,  anyhow,  Mr.  Yardsley.  If  you 
must  die,  please  go  home  and  die.  I 
couldn't  stand  another  shock  to-day. 
Why,  really,  I  was  nearly  frightened  to 
death.  I  don't  know  now  but  what 
4  43 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

I  ought  to  send  for  the  police,  Hicks 
was  so  violent. 

Barlow.  Perhaps  she  and  Hicks  have 
had  a  lovers'  quarrel, 

Yardsley.  Very  likely;  very  likely, 
indeed.  I  think  that  is  no  doubt  the 
explanation  of  the  whole  trouble.  Lov- 
ers will  quarrel.  They  were  engaged, 
you  know. 

Dorothy  (surprised).  No,  I  didn't 
know  it.     Were  they  ?     Who  told  you  ? 

Yardsley  {discovering  his  mistake). 
Why  —  er  —  wasn't  it  you  said  so, 
Miss  Dorothy?     Or  you,  Barlow? 

Barlow.  I  have  not  the  honor  of  the 
young  woman's  confidence,  and  so 
could  not  have  given  you  the  informa- 
tion. 

Dorothy.  I  didn't  know  it,  so  how 
could  I  have  told  you? 

Yardsley  {desperately).  Then  I  must 
44 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

have  dreamed  it.  I  do  have  the  queer- 
est dreams  sometimes,  but  there's  noth- 
ing strange  about  this  one,  anyhow. 
Parlor-maids  frequently  do  —  er  —  be- 
come engaged  to  coachmen  and  butlers 
and  that  sort  of  thing.  It  isn't  a  rare 
occurrence  at  all.  If  I'd  said  she  was 
engaged  to  Billie  Wilkins,  or  to — to  Bar- 
low here — 

Barlow.     Or  to  yourself. 

Yardsley.  Sir?  What  do  you  mean 
to  insinuate?  That  I  am  engaged  to 
Jennie  ? 

Barlow.     I  never  said  so. 

Dorothy.  Oh,  dear,  let  us  have  the 
tea.  You  quarrelsome  men  are  just 
wearing  me  out.  Mr.  Barh-w,  do  you 
want  cream  in  yours? 

Barlow.  If  you  please  ;  and  one 
lump  of  sugar.  (Dorothy  pours  it  out.) 
Thanks. 

45 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Dorothy.     Mr.  Yardsley? 
Yardsley.     Just    a    little,    Miss    An- 
drews.    No  cream,  and  no  sugar. 

[Dorothy  prepares  a  cup  for  Yards- 
ley.      He    is    about     to    take    it 
when — 
Dorothy.  Well,  I  declare!    It's  nothing 
hut  hot  water !     I  forgot  the  tea  entirely ! 

Barlow  (with  a  laugh).  Oh,  never 
mind.  Hot  water  is  good  for  dys- 
pepsia. 

[With  a  significant  look  at  Yardsley. 

Yardsley.     It   depends   on    how   you 

get   it,   Mr.   Barlow.     I've  known  men 

who've  got  dyspepsia  from  living  in  hot 

water  too  much. 

[As  Yardsley  speaks  the  portiere  is 

violently    clutched    from    without, 

and  Jennie's  head  is  thrust  into 

the  room.     No  one  observes  her. 

Barlow.     Well,  my  cup  is  very  satis- 

46 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

factory  to  me,  Miss  Dorothy.  Fact  is, 
I've  always  been  fond  of  cambric  tea, 
and  this  is  just  right. 

Yardsley   (patronizingly).     It  is  good 
for  children. 

Jennie  (trying  to  attract  Yardsley's 
attention).     Pst! 

Yardsley,     My  mamma  lets  me  have 
it  Sunday  nights. 

Dorothy.     Ha,  ha,  ha! 

Barlow.     Another  joke?     Good.     Let 
me  enjoy  it,  too.     Hee,  hee! 

Jennie.     Pst ! 

[Barlow     looks     around;    Jennie 
hastily  ivithdraws  her  head. 

Barlow.    I  didn't  know  you  had  steam 
heat  in  this  house. 

Dorothy.     We    haven't.       What    put 
such  an  idea  as  that  into  your  head? 

Barlow.     Why,  I  thought  1  heard  the 
hissing  of  steam,  the  click  of  a  radiator, 
47 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

or  something  of  that  sort  back  by  the 
door. 

Yardsley.  Maybe  the  house  is  haunt- 
ed. 

Dorothy.  I  fancy  it  was  your  imagi- 
nation; or  perhaps  it  was  the  wind 
blowing  through  the  hall.  The  pantry 
window  i«-  open. 

Barlow.  I  guess  maybe  that's  it. 
How  fine  it  must  be  in  the  country 
now! 

[Jennie  pokes  her  head  in  through 

^  the    portieres    again,    and   follows 

it    with    her    arm    and    hand,    in 

which   is   a   jeather -duster,    which 

she  waves  wildly  in  an  endeavor 

to  attract  Yardsley's  attention. 

Dorothy.     Divine.      I   should   so  love 

to  be  out  of  town  still.     It  seems  to  me 

people   always   make   a   great   mistake 

returning  to  the  city  so  early  in  the  fall. 

48 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

The  country  is  really  at  its  best  at  this 
time  of  year. 

[Yardsley  turns  half  around,  and 

is  about  to  speak,  when  he  catches 

sight  of  the  now  almost  hysterical 

Jennie  and  her  feather-duster. 

Barlow.     Yes;  I  think  so  too.     I  was 

at  Lenox  last  week,  and  the  foHage  was 

gorgeous. 

Yardsley  (feeling  that  he  must  say 
something).  Yes.  I  suppose  all  the 
feathers  on  the  maple  -  trees  are  turning 
red  by  this  time. 

Dorothy.  Feathers,  Mr.  Yardsley  ? 
Barlow.  Feathers  ? 
Yardsley  {with  a  furtive  glance  at 
Jennie).  Ha,  ha!  What  an  absurd 
slip!  Did  I  say  feathers?  I  meant — I 
meant  leaves,  of  course.  All  the  leaves 
on  the  dusters  are  turning. 

Barlow.     1   don't   beHeve   you   know 
49 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

what  you  do  mean.  Who  ever  heard 
of  leaves  on  dusters  ?  What  are  dusters  ? 
Do  you  know,  Miss  Dorothy  ? 

[As   he    turns    to    Miss    Andrews, 
Yardsley  tries   to   wave  Jennie 
away.     She  beckons  with  her  arms 
more  ivildly  than  ever,  and  Yards- 
ley  silently  speaks  the  words,  "Go 
away." 
Dorothy.     I'm  sure  I  don't  know  of 
any  tree  by  that  name,  but  then  I'm 
not  a — not  a  what? 

Yardsley  {with  a  forced  laugh).  Tree- 
ologist. 

Dorothy.  What  are  dusters,  Mr. 
Yardsley  ? 

Barlow.  Yes,  old  man,  tell  us.  I'm 
anxious  to  find  out  myself. 

Yardsley  (aside).  So  am  I.  What  the 
deuce  are  dusters,  for  this  occasion  only  ? 
{Aloud.)     What?    Never  heard  of  dust- 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

ers?  Ho!  Why,  dear  me,  where  have 
you  been  all  your  lives?  (Aside.)  Must 
gain  time  to  think  up  what  dusters  are. 
(Aloud.)  Why,  they're  as  old  as  the 
hills. 

Barlow.  That  may  be,  but  I  can't 
say  I  think  your  description  is  at  all 
definite. 

Dorothy.     Do  they  look  like  maples? 

Yards  ley  (with  an  angry  wave  of  his 
arms  towards  Jennie).  Something — in 
fact,  very  much.  They're  exactly  like 
them.  You  can  hardly  tell  them  from 
oaks. 

Barlow.     Oaks  ? 

Yardsley.  I  said  oaks.  Oaks! 
0-A-K-S! 

Barlow.  But  oaks  aren't  like  ma- 
ples. 

Yardsley.  Well,  who  said  they  were? 
We  were  talking  about  oaks — and — er — 
51 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

and  dusters.  We — er — we  used  to  have 
a  row  of  them  in  front  of  our  old  house 
at —  (Aside.)  Now  where  the  deuce 
did  we  have  the  old  house  ?  Never  had 
one,  but  we  must  for  the  sake  of  the 
present  situation.  (Aloud.)  Up  at — 
at — Bryn-Mawr — or  at — Troy,  or  some 
such  place,  and — at — they  kept  the — the 
dust  of  the  highway  from  getting  into 
the  house.  (With  a  sigh  of  relief.)  And 
so,  you  see,  they  were  called  dusters. 
Thought  every  one  knew  that. 

/As  Yardsley  finishes,  Jennie  loses 
I      her    balance    and    falls    headlong 

V  into  the  room. 

■"* -  ------•■  ■ 

Dorothy   (starting  up  hastily).     Why, 
Jennie! 

Yardsley  (staggering  into  chair).    That 
settles  it.     It's  all  up  with  me. 

[Jennie  sobs,  and,  rising,  rushes  to 
Yardsley's  side. 
52 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

■     Jennie.     Save  yourself;  he's  going  to 
kill  you! 

Dorothy.     Jennie!    What  is  the  mean- 
ing of  this?     Mr.    Yardsley — can — can 
you   shed   any   Ught 
on  this  mystery? 

Yardsley  {pulling 
himself  together  with 
a  great  effort) .  I  ? 
I  assure  you  I  can't, 
Miss  Andrews.  How 
could  I  ?  All  I  know 
is  that  somebody  is 
— is  going  to  kill  me, 
though  for  what  I 
haven't  the  slightest  "why.  jennie!" 
idea. 

^' Jennie    (indignantly).      Eh?      What! 
Why,  Mr.  Yardsley— Bob! 

Barlow.     Bob  ? 

Dorothy.     Jennie!     Bob? 
53 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley.     Don't  you  call  me  Bob. 
'.^Jennie.     It's  Hicks. 

[Bursts  out  crying. 

Barlow.     Hicks  ? 

Dorothy.  Jennie,  Hicks  isn't  Bob. 
His  name  is  George.. 

Yardsley  {in  a  despairing  rage).  Hicks 
be— 

Dorothy.     Mr.  Yardsley! 

Yardsley  {pulling  himself  together 
again).  Bobbed.  Hicks  be  Bobbed. 
That's  what  I  was  going  to  say. 

Dorothy.     What  on  earth  does  this  all 
mean?     I   must   have   an    explanation, 
Jennie.     What    have    you    to    say  for 
yourself  ? 
-   Jennie.     Why,  I — 

Yardsley.  I  tell  you  it  isn't  true. 
She's  made  it  up  out  of  whole  cloth. 

Barlow.  What  isn't  true?  She  hasn't 
said  anything  yet. 

54 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley  {desperately).  I  refer  to 
what  she's  going  to  say.  I'm  a — a — 
I'm  a  mind-reader,  and  I  see  it  all  as 
plain  as  day. 

Dorothy.  I  can  best  judge  of  the 
truth  of  Jennie's  words  when  she  has 
spoken  them,  Mr.  Yardsley.  Jennie, 
you  may  explain,  if  you  can.  What 
do  you  mean  by  Hicks  killing  Mr. 
Yardsley,  and  why  do  you  presume 
to  call  Mr.  Yardsley  by  his  first 
name? 

Yardsley  {aside).  Heigho!  My  goose 
is  cooked. 

Barlow.  I  fancy  you  wish  you  had 
taken  that  walk  I  suggested  now. 

Yardsley.  You  always  were  a  good 
deal  of  a  fancier. 

-—  Jennie.     I  hardly  knows  how  to  begin , 

Miss  Dorothy.     I — I'm  so  flabbergasted 

by  all  that's  happened  this  afternoon, 

55 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

mum,    that    I    can't   get   my   thoughts 
straight,  mum. 

Dorothy.      Never  mind   getting   your 
thoughts    straight,    Jennie.     I    do    not 
want  fiction.     I  want  the  truth. 
•^^   Jennie.      Well,    mum,    when    a    fine 
gentleman  like  Mr.  Yardsley  asks — 

Yardsley.     I  tell  you  it  isn't  so. 

Jennie.     Indeed  he  did,  mum. 

Dorothy  {impatiently).     Did  what? 
*.^  Jennie.     Axed    me    to    marry    him, 
mum. 

Dorothy.      Mr.  Yardsley  —  asked  — 
you — to — to  marry  him  ? 

[Barlow  whistles. 
■ —  Jennie  {bursting  into  tears  again). 
Yes,  mum,  he  did,  mum,  right  here  in 
this  room.  He  got  down  on  his  knees 
to  me  on  that  Proossian  rug  before  the 
sofa,  mum.  I  was  standin'  behind  the 
sofa,   havin'   just   come  in   to   tell  him 

56 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

as  how  you'd  be  down  shortly.  He  was 
standin'  before  the  lookin'-glass  lookin' 
at  himself,  an'  when  I  come  in  he  turns 
around  and  goes  down  on  his  knees 
and  says  such  an  importunity  may  not 
occur  again,  mum;  I've  loved  you  very 
long;  and  then  he  recited  some  pottery, 
mum,  and  said  would  I  be  his  wife. 

Yardsley  (desperately).  Let  me  ex- 
plain. ' 

Dorothy.  Wait,  Mr.  Yardsley;  your 
turn  will  come  in  a  moment. 

Barlow.  Yes,  it  '11  be  here,  my  boy; 
don't  fret  about  that.  Take  all  the 
time  you  need  to  make  it  a  good  one. 
Gad!  if  this  doesn't  strain  your  imagina- 
tion, nothing  will. 

Dorothy.  Go  on,  Jennie.  Then  what 
happened  ? 

Yardsley  {with  an  in jured'  expression) . 
Do  you  expect  me  to  stand  here,  Miss 
57 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Andrews,  and  hear  this  girl's  horrible 
story  ? 

Barlow.  Then  you  know  the  story, 
do  you,  Yardsley?  It's  horrible,  and 
you  are  innocent.  My!  you  are  a  mind- 
reader  with  a  vengeance. 

Dorothy.  Don't  mind  what  these 
gentlemen  say,  Jennie,  but  go  on. 

[Yardsley  sinks  into  the  arm-chair. 
Barlow  chuckles;  Miss  Andrews 
glances  indignantly  at  Imn. 

Dorothy.  Pardon  me,  Mr.  Barlow. 
If  there  is  any  humor  in  the  situation, 
I  fail  to  see  it.       ^^^'-^ 

Barlow  {seeing  ^his  error).  Nor,  in- 
deed, do  I.  I  was  not — ah — laughing 
from  mirth.  That  chuckle  was  hys- 
terics. Miss  Dorothy,  I  assure  you. 
There  are  some  laughs  that  can  hardly 
be  differentiated  from  sobs. 

Jennie.     I   was   all   took  in   a  heap, 
S8 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

mum,  to  think  of  a  fine  gentleman  like 
Mr,  Yardsley  proposing  to  me,  mum, 
and  I  says  the  same.  Says  I,  "Oh,  Mr. 
Yardsley,  this  is  so  suddent  like," 
whereat  he  looks  up  with  a  countenance 
so  full  o'  pain  that  I  hadn't  the  heart 
to  refuse  him;  so,  fergettin'  Hicks  for 
the  moment,  1  says,  kind  o'  soft  like, 
certingly,  sir.  It  ain't  for  the  likes  o' 
me  to  say  no  to  the  likes  o'  him. 

Yardsley.  Then  you  said  you  were 
engaged  to  Hicks.  You  know  you  did, 
Jennie. 

Barlow.  Ah!  Then  you  admit  the 
proposal  ? 

Yardsley.  Oh,  Lord!  Worse  and  worse! 
I— 

Dorothy.  Jennie  has  not  finished  her 
story. 

Jennie.  I  did  say  as  how  I  was  en- 
gaged to  Hicks,  but  I  thought  he  would 
5  59 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

let  me  off;  and  Mr.Yardsley  looked  glad 
when  I  said  that,  and  said  he'd  make 
it  all  right  with  Hicks. 

Yardsley.  What?  I?  Jennie  O'Brien, 
or  whatever  your  horrible  name  is,  do 
you  mean  to  say  that  I  said  I'd  make  it 
all  right  with  Hicks? 
— Jennie.  Not  in  them  words,  Mr. 
Yardsley ;  but  you  did  say  as  how  you'd 
see  him  yourself  and  give  him  a  present. 
You  did  indeed,  Mr.  Yardsley,  as  you 
was  a-standin'  on  that  there  Proossian 
rug. 

Dorothy.     Did  you,  Mr.  Yardsley  ? 
[Yardsley   buries   his   jace   in  his 
hands  and  groans. 

Barlow.     Not  so  ready  with  your  ex- 
planations now,  eh? 

Dorothy.     Mr.  Barlow,  really  I  must 
ask  you  not  to  interfere.     Did  you  say 
that,  Mr.  Yardsley? 
60 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley.     I  did,  but — 

Dorothy  (jrigidly).     Go  on,  Jennie. 

Jennie.  Just  then  the  front-door  bell 
rings  and  Mr.  Barlow  comes,  and  there 
wasn't  no  more  importunity  for  me  to 
speak;  but  when  I  got  down-stairs  into 
the  kitchen,  mum,  Mr.  Hicks  he  comes 
in,  an'  {sohs) — an'  I  breaks  with  him. 

Yardsley.  You've  broken  with  Hicks 
for  me? 

Jennie.  Yes,  I  have — but  I  wouldn't 
never  have  done  it  if  I'd  known — boo- 
hoo — as  how  you'd  behave  this  way  an' 
deny  ever  havin'  said  a  word.  I — I — I 
1-lo-love  Mr.  Hicks,  an'  I — I  hate  you — 
and  I  wish  I'd  let  him  come  up  and  kill 
you,  as  he  said  he  would. 

Dorothy.  Jennie!  Jennie!  be  calm! 
Where  is  Hicks  now? 

Yardsley.  That's  so.   Where  is  Hicks? 
I  want  to  see  him. 
6i 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

—Jennie.  Never -feat-fc«=^tbat: — YotrHf 
"SeeH*im.  He's  layin'  for^,ypu  outside. 
An'  that,  Miss  Dorothy,  iswHy  I  was 
a-wavin'  at  him  an'  say  in'  "pst"  to 
him.  I  wanted  to  warn  him,  mum,  of 
his  danger,  mum,  because  Hicks  is  very 
vi'lent,  and  he  told  me  in  so  many  words 
as  how  he  was  a-goin'  to  do — him — up. 

Barlow.  You'd  better  inform  Mr. 
Hicks,  Jennie,  that  Mr.  Yardsley  is  al- 
ready done  up. 

Yardsley.  Do  me  up,  eh?  Well,  I 
like  that.  I'm  not  afraid  of  any  coach- 
man in  creation  as  long  as  he's  off  the 
box.     I'll  go  see  him  at  once. 

Dorothy.  No  —  no  —  no.  Don't,  Mr. 
Yardsley;  don't,  I  beg  of  you.  I  don't 
want  to  have  any  scene  between  you. 

Yardsley    (heroically).      What    if    he 
succeeds?     I    don't    care.      As    Barlow 
says,  I'm  done  up  as  it  is.    I  don't  want 
62 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

to  live  after  this.  What's  the  use. 
Everything's  lost. 

Barlow  {dryly).  Jennie  hasn't  thrown 
you  over  yet. 

Jennie  {sniffing  airily).  Yes,  she  has, 
too.  I  wouldn't  marry  him  now  for  all 
the  world  —  an'  —  an'  I've  lost  —  lost 
Hicks.  (Weeps.)  Him  as  was  so  brave, 
an'  looks  so  fine  in  livery! 

Yardsley.  If  you'd  only  give  me  a 
chance  to  say  something — 

Barlow.  Appears  to  me  you've  said 
too  much  already. 

Dorothy  {coldly).  I  —  I  don't  agree 
with  Mr.  Barlow.  You — you  haven't 
said  enough,  Mr.  Yardsley.  If  you  have 
any  explanation  to  make,  I'll  listen. 

Yardsley  {looks  up  gratejully.  Sud- 
denly his  face  brightens.  Aside).  Gad! 
The  very  thing!  I'll  tell  the  exact 
truth,  and  if  Dorothy  has  half  the 
63 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

sense  I  think  she  has,  I'll  get  in  my  pro- 
posal right  under  Barlow's  very  nose. 
(Aloud.)  My  —  my  explanation,  Miss 
Andrews,  is  very  simple.  I  —  ah  —  I 
cannot  deny  having  spoken  every  word 
that  Jennie  has  charged  to  my  account. 
I  did  get  down  on  my  knees  on  the  rug. 
I  did  say  "divine  creature."  I  did  not 
put  it  strong  enough.  I  should  have 
said  "divinest  of  all  creatures." 

Dorothy  (in  remonstrance) .  Mr.  Yards- 
ley! 

Barlow  (aside).  Magnificent  bluff! 
But  why?  (Rubs  his  forehead  in  a 
puzzled  way.)  What  the  deuce  is  he 
driving  at? 

Yardsley.  Kindly  let  me  finish.  I 
did  say  "I  love  you."  I  should  have 
said  "I  adore  you;  I  worship  you."  I 
did  say,  "Will  you  be  my  wife?"  and  I 
was  going  to  add,  "for  if  you  will  not, 
64 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

then  is  light  turned  into  darkness  for 
me,  and  Hfe,  which  your  'yes'  will 
render  radiantly  beautiful,  will  become 
dull,  colorless,  and  not  worth  the  living." 
That  is  what  I  was  going  to  say,  Miss 
Andrews — Miss  Dorothy — when — when 
Jennie  interrupted  me  and  spoke  the 
word  I  most  wish  to  hear — spoke  the 
word  "yes"  ;  but  it  was  not  her  yes  that  I 
wished.  My  words  of  love  were  not 
for  her. 

Barlow  (perceiving  his  drift).  Ho! 
Absurd!  Nonsense!  Most  unreason- 
able! You  were  calling  the  sofa  the 
divinest  of  all  creatures,  I  suppose, 
or  perhaps  asking  the — the  piano  to 
put  on  its  shoes  and — elope  with  you. 
Preposterous ! 

Dorothy  (softly).  Go  on,  Mr.  Yards- 
ley. 

Yardsley.      I — I  spoke  a  little  while 

65 


A  Proposal  Under  Difificulties 

ago  about  sand  —  courage  —  when  it 
comes  to  one's  asking  the  woman  he 
loves  the  greatest  of  all  questions.  I 
was  boastful.  I  pretended  that  I  had 
that  courage;  but — well,  I  am  not  as 
brave  as  I  seem.  I  had  come,  Miss 
Dorothy,  to  say  to  you  the  words  that 
fell  on  Jennie's  ears,  and — and  I  began  to 
get  nervous — stage-f-fight,  I  suppose  it 
was — and  I  was  foolish  enough  to  re- 
hearse what  I  had  to  say — to  you,  and 
to  you  alone. 

Barlow.  Let  me  speak.  Miss  Andrews. 
I— 

Yardsley.  You  haven't  anything  to 
do  with  the  subject  in  hand,  my  dear 
Barlow,  not  a  thing. 

Dorothy.  Jennie — what — what  have 
you  to  say  ? 

Jennie.  Me?  Oh,  mum,  I  hardly 
knows  what  to  say!  This  is  sudden ter 
66 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

than  the  other;  but,  Miss  Dorothy,  I'd 
believe  him,  I  would,  because — I — I 
think  he's  tellin'  the  truth,  after  all,  for 
the  reason  that — oh  dear — for — 

Dorothy.  Don't  be  frightened,  Jennie. 
For  what  reason  ? 

Jennie.  Well,  mum,  for  the  reason 
that  when  I  said  "yes,"  mum,  he  didn't 
act  Hke  all  the  other  gentlemen  I've 
said  yes  to,  and  —  and  k  -  kuk  -  kiss 
me. 

Yardsley.  That's  it!  that's  it!  Do 
you  suppose  that  if  I'd  been  after 
Jennie's  3^es,  and  got  it,  I'd  have  let  a 
door-bell  and  a  sofa  stand  between  me 
and — the  sealing  of  the  proposal? 

Barlow  (aside).  Oh,  what  nonsense 
this  all  is!  I've  got  to  get  ahead  of  this 
fellow  in  some  way.  {Aloud.)  Well, 
where  do  I  come  in  ?  I  came  here.  Miss 
Andrews,  to  tell  you — 
67 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Yardsley  (interposing).  You  come  in 
where  you  came  in  before — just  a  little 
late — after  the  proposal,  as  it  were. 

Dorothy  (her  face  clearing  and  wreath- 
ing with  smiles).  What  a  comedy  of 
errors  it  has  all  been!  I — I  believe  you, 
Mr.  Yardsley. 

Yardsley.  Thank  Heaven!  And — ah 
— you  aren't  going  to  say  anything 
more,  D — Dorothy? 

Dorothy.     I'm  afraid — 

Yardsley.  Are  you  going  to  make  me 
go  through  that  proposal  all  over  again, 
now  that  I've  got  myself  into  so  much 
trouble  saying  it  the  first  time — Doro- 
thy? 

Dorothy.  No,  no.  You  needn't — 
you  needn't  speak  of  it  again. 

Barlow  (aside).  Good!  That's  his 
conge. 

Yardsley.  And  —  then  if  I  —  if  I 
68 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

needn't  say  it  again?  What  then? 
Can't  I  have — my  answer  now?  Oh, 
Miss  Andrews — 

Dorothy  (ii'ith  downcast  eyes,  softly). 
What  did  Jennie  say  ? 

Yardsley  (in  ecstasy) .    Do  you  mean  it  ? 

Barlow.  I  fancy — I  fancy  I'd  better 
go  now,  Miss — er — Miss  Andrews.  I — 
I — have  an  appointment  with  Mr. 
Wilkins,  and — er — I  observe  that  it  is 
getting  rather  late. 

Yardsley.  Don't  go  yet,  Jack.  I'm 
not  so  anxious  to  be  rid  of  you  now. 

Barlow.     I  must  go — really. 

Yardsley.  But  I  want  you  to  make 
me  one  promise  before  you  go. 

Dorothy.  He'll  make  it,  I'm  sure,  if 
I  ask  him.  Mr.  Yardsley  and  I  want 
you — want  you  to  be  our  best  man. 

Yardsley.  That's  it,  precisely.  Eh, 
Jack? 

69 


A  Proposal  Under  Difficulties 


Barlow.     Well,  yes.     I'll  be — second- 
best  man.     The  events  of  the  afternoon 
have  shown  my  capacity  for  that. 
Vardsley.     Ah ! 

Barlow.     And  I'll  show  my  sincerity 

by  wearing  Bob's  hat  and  coat  into  the 

street  now  and  letting  the 

fury  of   Hicks    fall   upon 

me. 

-"Jennie.     If  you  please, 
Miss  Dorothy— I— I  think 
I  can  attend  to  Mr.  Hicks. 
Dorothy.    Very  well.     I 
think  that  would  be  bet- 
ter.   You  may  go,  Jennie. 
[Jennie  departs.- 
Barlow.      Well,     good- 

HicKs        d^y-   1 — ^'^^  ^^^  ^  ^^^y 

pleasant  afternoon,  Miss — 
Andrews.  Thanks  for  the  —  the  cam- 
bric tea. 


70 


A  Proposal  Under  Ditficulties 

Dorothy.  Good-bye,  and  don't  forget. 
Barlow.  I'm  afraid — I  won't.  Good- 
bye, Bob.  I  congratulate  you  from 
my  heart.  I  was  in  hopes  that  I  should 
have  the  pleasure  of  having  you  for  a 
best  man  at  my  wedding,  but — er — 
there's  many  a  slip,  you  know,  and  I 
wish  you  joy. 

[Yardsley  shakes  him  by  the  hand, 
and  Barlow  goes  out.  As  he 
disappears  through  tJie  portieres 
Yardsley  jollows,  and,  holding 
the  curtain  aside,  looks  after  him 
until  the  front  -  door  is  heard 
closing.  Then  he  turns  about. 
Dorothy  looks  demurely  around 
at  him,  and  as  he  starts  to  go  to 
her  side  the  curtain  falls. 


THE    END 


B     000  004  285 


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